my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize