as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
