maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
