Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
