I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
