Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
