the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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