i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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