It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
