WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
