Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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