Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
