if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
