I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
