Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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