so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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