I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My feet surprised me
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize