He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
