I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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