If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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