onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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