I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
