Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
