I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
