wanna go halves on a baby?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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