Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
