There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
