Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
