I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
