So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
worst night to have a conscience
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
