she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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