i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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