How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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