i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Boobs speak an international language.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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