It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
