Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
