did you get engaged???
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
