The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
