i permit you to call me
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
