I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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