you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
