Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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