im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
