WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
