My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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