Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I think my fart just growled at me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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