I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
