dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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