dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
