First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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