i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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