I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
