Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
