I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
