I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
