i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
