You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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