apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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