I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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