I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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