Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
