You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
