i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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