Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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