someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
